I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
