Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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