dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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