She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
