someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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