I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
