I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
