I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
