I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
