the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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