so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
