Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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