why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
