how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
