I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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