You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just gift wrapped bread.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
