When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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