apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
