Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize