haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
