i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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