I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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