better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
