Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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