saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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