i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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