Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
