my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
