Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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