Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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