How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
