My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
