I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
