If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
