I'm drive I can fine osifer
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
