is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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