Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize