i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
