my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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