I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
