i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
