Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
