When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
