I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
