Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
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