Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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