He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
