I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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