I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
