Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
