you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
