Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
