So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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