i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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