You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
