I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
