omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
